Photography Thinks
At home and doing OK. Immune system working with pills. The pills have a price, $13,000 @ month (insurance) and side effects. Being careful, for sure, but how careful can I be?
Bought a lotto ticket, Megabucks. Winning the jackpot won’t defeat Corona virus. Staying away from crowds, going to the doctor if I feel sick and washing my hands mean more to my life than One Million dollars.
Samson was the last of the judges of the ancient Israelites mentioned in the Book of Judges in the Hebrew Bible (chapters 13 to 16) and one of the last of the leaders who “judged” Israel before the institution of the monarchy.
Impeached in the way that only judges can get away with. No one signing the death warrant. Silent and deadly. And I had no way to speak out, say my peace or give my side.
I sometimes dream that I would want to bring the whole system down, but I don’t have the power or the story. And there is no way to separate the good people who try so hard from the selfish, self-centered.
I went down and things got worse. Now we face authoritarianism, a monarchy supported by republicans. They got me. They will get anyone they want. Trump will not be removed and the next election will not be on the level.
I turned 72, which was a good thing and a not so good thing. As to the former, I am alive; as to the latter I have CLL, a blood disorder that isn’t lymphoma or leukemia, but what it is requires me to take pills everyday and be fearful of falling or catching a cold.
I have a marriage that thrives, even though I didn’t support us as planned or become the man we both wanted me to be. I cannot shake the past and don’t have much of a productive future planned. My photography comes second to my wife, so for those two things, I don’t want for attention, assignments or affection.
I read, shoot pictures, travel and volunteer. The images I make at the Soup Kitchen of Boynton Beach are printed and handed out. I have been given a wall that needs to be filled. People leave stuff at our door which I deliver and I beg for diapers (4s and 5s), along with donations of money, clothes and household goods.
Nothing can be done to ease my pain or fix the story. No one knows what happened to me, except a select few and I am not important enough to find out the truth. Not saying I was perfect, just not so imperfect to have been the subject of judicial and political torture. Few friends, none close, and few relatives, none close. Not so bad as long as I live.
This little book tells it all. It costs a buck and you can buy a pack and pass them out. But it don’t matter if you don’t remind yourself of our dreams of a more perfect union. Not until the late 19th Century did they address slavery and there is no mention of God. Here’s one of the things the founders said:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
So as we sip our beer, eat our franks and watch fireworks, we should be thinking about how to make these truths real and not just words.
My friend, Joel Winograd, donated two boxes of Pampers to The Soup Kitchen in Boynton Beach. Find a place where you can do some good. How many hours does a person have to work to buy a box of Pampers.
Not exactly Walden Woods, but I can go there to think. Eliminating urban stimulus encourages creativity. I can also practice my skills photographing myself, since not that many people want to have portraits made. Very buggy and humid today at Loxahatchee. Not too many people, which is understandable and not too many birds, either.
Blood day at the cancer center. Not fun, but came away with better numbers than last month. I am learning the vocabulary. This is how some cancer survivors talk. I don’t know what most of the numbers/letters mean, but the more I have in the normal range the better.
On the wall, near the bathroom is a magazine rack. Cannot imagine toilet reading at a Cancer Care Center, though I know most of us who take the pills or inject the poison have bowel problems. The magazine offerings range from what to do if you have bladder cancer to “Car and Driver.”
Now, who would leave a magazine about buying a high priced car in a waiting room at a cancer care center? Not a patient. We don’t think long term. A Dr who can afford one? Perhaps an heir in waiting?
Family. One month older than I am. Distant family. Cousin. I have no other family.
Never came to grips with his sickness or his death. Now I have it, though not the acute kind that killed him. I didn’t know the man in this image and he didn’t know me. I will never know how I lost my childhood or adulthood.
all alone. with my camera. never that alone. i can always try to see myself. so people tell me to move on. i tell them that it is hard to move on when you are trying to hold on.